Monthly Archive: January 2019


Now I know everything about myself and how, why and why the asthma develops. All situations in which I did not remain true to myself, which I avoided, whose results triggered the asthma are solved again. The asthma is not gone now, of course not, but I will avoid situations in which the asthma develops. Thanks again for the possibilities you have shown me.

You were right, I had all the healing possibilities in me, and all the situations we had helped me to come to terms with it. In the end, exactly what so many people describe what happens just before death: they look at the situations in life, and different perspectives on them, but you can not change it anymore. All this time was a long time of dying. Now I have a lot to give.

I do not have enough words to describe how grateful I am to you and Abhaya, who helped me with more than talking to stop all the struggles and the entire team of Gaia Kali ceremonies and the help of all the ceremonies and medicine.

Viva Mamaj Ayahuasca.

A Tree and his sound

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, does it make a sound?

unknown, June 1883 in the magazine The Chautauquan

This should a philosophical question that kept philosophers busy for generations. I think:

The sound that splits into Attack, Sustain, Release does not matter if someone hears it, that it fits completely in the environment syncron.
The environment does not really care about this, but it supports the attack, sustain and release in modulation and effect.

But the most beautiful working situations a had when I lived in Flor de Ouro, we had in this left over community Internet via satellite. I was searching somewhere, next to router a silent place in this nature and when I was in a really deep working space I was one with the sounds from the surrounding, I was the sound. And this sound from the forest is so perfect, so peaceful and complete synchron. In the Background was the sound of a close Waterfall from the Rio Prato. But soon I realised, that there is different Modulation and effect from the sound, and -it’s obvious- that the sound is there even when I’m not there.

As I lost my aversion to the cold water

I realized my aversion to cold water for several years. Especially in connection with swimming. The aversion has severely limited my quality of life by not having fun swimming.

I tried to swim during an ayahuasca ceremony. That was amazing, I never had a better Impression from involving, from integrating in Nature around. I realised that I’m the same as the water around, there is no difference between me, the water , the Rocks, the Trees. There is only one being, one intelligence. During this swimming the I’m not exist.
But after it was the same, I can’t overcome my aversion to swim into this great Rio Prata, with Cristalwater. I needed a lot of time to go into this amazing water.

I was swimming in such amazing places, I was swimming in the morning… I’ll never forget this amazing swimming at 7 in the morning at the winter here in the Chapada dos Vedejos. I lived with my family in the Four de Ouro, in the Casa do Sol. I give a try to swim once a day, even in the morning. In this morning the water was warmer than the air and evaporated.

What an amazing situation, only the birds and the nature makes this sound, and wow, I was really blessed.
But I can’t enjoy.

I always had to say me: Rudra, be strong, go inside.

More or less ten months later, Freyja will be have soon her due with Matheo Tawai and still I hesitate to go into the water. But I started already to not express my aversion, it getting better, but not at this that I can enjoy to swim.

But I realised: there are only thoughts which prevented me from having fun. This Thoughts have to die and have to make space for happiness.

After I started to realising, that’s to swim into the river is more than refreshing. At one day, Freyja had some straight contractions and I had to support her to come out. During I went to her into the water I realised: There was no Thoughts, there was only a feeling from the body, cold water and not more.

Later we ate chocolate de coco and I realised chain from some memories: When I was a teenager, my mom was giving my to a power swimming club. I had Asthma and a friend from my mother told my mother, that her daughter about this swimming her asthma forgot. So my mom want to heal my from this asthma and brought me to the same club.

But it doesn’t work. I can’t enjoy this power swimming, because I was really slow in this swimming. The trainers was shouting straight to the swimmers, und using me as a goal to more power: when you guys are swimming ten tracks during this lame duck swim a quarter, than you’re really good. And I can’t connect to this other teenager, I hated to having a shower with them or to move the clothes. I already had not so much contact to other teenager, in this time in my life I was happy to be alone.

I really to start to hate this time in the swimming club, but I was worried to say anything. Because I saw, how it works with the Melanie, this daughter from the friend of my mom. She had really no Asthma anymore, she simply forget, and she was the best of this power club. And I saw already this effort to bring me me there, the swimming club was in a small city, more or less twenty kilometre far away from this village I lived. Sometime brought my my mom, sometimes I took the bus.

So I started to do everything for spending not so much time in this club. I realised so much beautifulness around me, so much interesting things… and I started to buy the cheapest, chocolate de coco, the taste was the same as I ate here in Brazil years later, to enjoy more.
At one day I realised, that the days are locked when I was too late.
So I give a try to come to the swimming club exactly a moment after they locked the door. At the first days this Melanie questioned me, what’s up with you, but there I already was not interesting to having contact to anyone.

But I was not able to face it to my mom: this is not the right thing to forget Asthma. Bring me to nature, this a wanted to say. But I saw the Situation of my mom: divorced after 13 years of marriage three Kids , a terrible childhood, unable to connect. And she was working hard, I had to do the housecleaning and take care of my sister and my brother.

So I used this time for me to dream a better world. But than there was a point: I saw everything, and it started the winter and it’s getting cold… I was starting to hate this situation. At one point I had to face it to mother, but she was not able to listening me and getting angry. So I was feeding also my Asthma. I put everything, what was not nice in my live exactly in this aversion to swim, a create a self feeding story, and forget. Until I ate this chocolate de coco here in Brasil… The Main story I created there is this unable to face truthful and without any drama.

Here in Brasil I started to change the perspective about this memories and with any changing it comes gratitude to my mind and with that gratitude comes happiness. <3